Writing to the song Donna by FM static.
Mood. High on sugar! woot! 
Once upon a time there was a man called Abram who was a good man who followed his God and, just like any good and moral man, he was married to his sister. One day, God spoke to him and told him to move to a special place that God had been keeping especially for him. God said to him "It is a wonderful land and I will make sure everything goes your way for I shall curse anyone you annoys you." Abram was very excited and decided to move right away with his wife and his brothers' family. When they arrived in Canaan, their promised land, they were extremely happy and slaughtered an animal for God – however, there was one big problem: the land was in famine. So Abram and his family immediately upped sticks and moved to Egypt, only to find that the famine was worse there than it was in Canaan. Abram felt rather cheated since God had assured him that everything would be perfect, however, Abram thought, the only thing left to do was to go back to Canaan and set up house.
Whilst Abram was settling in Canaan, however, Abram's other family members had been very busy. Abram had travelled with his brothers' family until they were returning to Canaan from Egypt. Along the way they had passed two very happenin' towns called Sodom and Gommerah. For the head of the family, Lot, these places seemed to be the place to be but, unbeknownst to him, God hated Sodom and Gommerah. The people of these two cities were having such a good time that God became quite jealous: how could things he created be having more fun than he himself? It just wasn't fair. So God decided to smite the two towns and was just going over with Abram, ideas of what kind of destruction would be the most enjoyable when Abram said "Please don't destroy Sodom and Gommerah – I'm sure not everyone is bad. My brothers' family live there and they aren't bad. They do as you say and don't have fun."
"Well" God mused "I'll go and have some Angels check it out. If it is as you say, I shall rescue them."
So God sent out two Angels to the house of Lot and Lot invited them into his house, but the people of the town wanted to know why they hadn't been invited to the party and came knocking on his door.
"Look" said Lot "You're just not invited, ok? You guys never invite me to your parties. You say I'm too boring."
"You've got some weird foreign guests in there. We wanna show them a good time" said someone in the crowd.
Lot glanced around – the rabble was getting bigger and rowdier, he didn't know what to do. "Ok," he said "Here's my two virgin daughters: please rape them or do whatever you wanna do with them, but this party is via invite only."
But the crowd just yelled "We don't wanna rape your daughters, we just wanna have a party" and they pressed towards the door of Lots' house until God became jealous of the party goers and struck them with blindness. Now being convinced that Lots' family was too boring to be of any bother God instructed them to leave the town. "But don't look back" He said, for God loved trick some small print – after all, one has to get their kicks somehow and turning someone into salt wasn't something He'd done yet.
Back in Canaan, however, things were much quieter. In some ways too quiet for both Abram and his wife Sarah wished for a child, but they were now too old to conceive. It really annoyed them whenever God went on about their descendents filling the earth so eventually Sarah decided (since she was too old to have babies) to have Abram sleep with the hired help. Now, the hired help, Hagar was Egyptian, young and incredibly good looking. Abram really couldn't believe his luck and thus took his wife's advice immediately and had sex with the beautiful Hagar. And behold, Hagar did have Abram's child, about which Abram was overjoyed, for now he had an heir. However, if only they had trusted God's promise of descendants for Sarah did conceive a child, Isaac, and when she saw the servant and the servant's child playing with hers she became angry. "Throw them out into the desert to die" said Sarah to Abram "I don't want them teaching filthy slave habits to my son." "Ok" replied Abram who well knew that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." So he waved bye bye to Hagar and to his son Ishmael to whom he promised that dying of starvation and dehydration in the desert wasn't anything to be scared of.
Thankfully an Angel appeared to Hagar and Ishmael in the desert and saved them from death. But, unsurprisingly, they didn't keep in contact with Abram – "We nearly died in the desert because of you" does not go well on greetings cards. However, Sarah's son Isaac was also due a traumatic near-death-experience. One day God thought it'd be a really funny if he asked Abram to kill his Isaac. Abram, being a virtuous man did exactly what God told him: he got Isaac and they began to build the pyre. When Isaac asked where the sacrificial animal was, Abram tied him onto the pyre and was just about to stab Isaac with a knife when suddenly God cried out "APRIL FOOL!" And thus God performed the first practical joke.
Now, it came to pass that God was well pleased to see that this family would do whatever He told them. He allowed Abram to change his name to Abraham after Abraham cut off a bit of his penis and did the same to every other man around and told Abraham that his descendents would inherit the earth. Then, eventually, Abraham died and Isaac begat Esau and Jacob and Jacob begat 12 sons and daughter. Jacob had two wives and he loved the son of the pretty wife but didn't care for the sons of the plain wife, the sons of the pretty wifes' maid and the sons of the plain wifes' maid. The son of the pretty wife was a good boy and told tales on his other brothers and told them he was better than them all. This turned out to be true for whilst Joseph was sold by his brothers as a slave, Joseph managed to use his fortune telling and dream interpretation to get the second best job in all of Egypt. Joseph was even given an evil heathen, Egyptian false idol worshipping woman as a wife. When Joseph's family found out, they all moved to Egypt and lived happily ever after...
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